I need to get stuff out of my head so I am just going to write it down as it comes out, this will be my longest post ever and may not make total sense.
My bloke just wants a friend that is happy and enjoying themselves (That’s how he wants me.) If I appear to have negative emotions, especially if they appear to be caused (or I say they are caused) by him, he totally wants to deny it and make me happy and forget it and carry on. This is so unreal; this behaviour just makes the feelings worse as the feelings are still there, unexpressed and unacknowledged. He will not discuss it; he will not talk about himself. It is like talking to a slippery fish! Then he tries to focus on me and what is wrong with me (or why it is really my fault), or something impersonal.
If I tell him about something he has done which cause me to feel hurt or upset, he will not say anything, unless pushed and then he will never admit or deny anything. He says, ‘What can I say?’ ‘I’m not going to pretend I’m something I’m not.’ He won’t say how he feels, or give his point of view. It is SOOO frustrating!!!! He will only say ‘Sorry for upsetting you’ and that’s supposed to make everything OK. But he is just ignoring and denying my feelings as if they are unimportant or don’t exist. So I feel rejected and uncared for. He just wants people to be friendly to him, as that means they like him, if they are at all unfriendly for whatever reason that means they are rejecting him.
He is so amazingly insecure in relationships, he hasn’t got a clue how to have an intimate relationship, (not that I am an expert either)he can’t communicate anything about emotions at all, or have an adult discussion about personal things that are not nice, happy or friendly (except occasionally). No wonder he has visited prostitutes, there is no need for a proper relationship, they will always be nice, because it is their job to please the customer, and there is no work necessary because it is paid for.
I cannot understand how sex can be totally a physical thing with no emotions involved; I know it can be in my head, cause that ‘s how blokes fuck prostitutes etc. I don’t think my bloke understands what an emotional thing sex is for me. If it’s good I feel happy and in love and alive. If it’s not so good (I mean what happens before and especially after) I feel used, uncared for and upset – this only happens very occasionally.
I really like him and enjoy his company, he turns me on and I enjoy sex with him. He is always friendly to me unless I upset him. He hates upsetting me. But I just find the way he is now (nice and friendly etc) and what he has done (paying for sex) impossible to hold together in my head. He has done things that totally upset and offend me. How can we ever continue to have a relationship? Every time I mention anything about what he has done, he gets angrier, because, as he rightly says, he has done it, he can’t pretend he hasn’t and can’t do anything about it. (He also thinks what he has done is perfectly OK)But when I am feeling upset about it is very difficult for me to keep it to myself and if I don’t say anything he knows something is wrong. I want to stay with him, but how can I? We just make each other upset and angry.
He doesn’t understand why I got into a relationship with him in the first place as he told me at the beginning what he was about. I had the choice to accept it and stay with him or tell him that is something I can’t live with and not have a relationship with him. So why did I stay with and even leave my partner for him? I don’t know.
Even if I stop sleeping with him and just be his friend (which is what he would like at the moment)it will wind me up more, as I will know what he is doing for sex. I suppose somehow I feel if I can satisfy him I am stopping him visit prostitutes. If I don’t he will go back.
Still what ever I feel about what he has done, I still love him.
